Saturday, September 05, 2009
so its been so long.
and what have i been doing you ask? ive been having the time of my life,
too busy for recollections, too busy for blogs. too busy for homework! urk..
i think thats the problem. i need to catch myself. i need to catch my breath, look at the stars, and appreciate my life.
ive been so caught up in a morally grey area. when i mean grey .. i mean most people will probably say its in the black area.. but then it aint so simple so it become grey.
The question on everyones mind, am i falling for him? and the answers my grand readers is no. and im pretty sure thats how it will stay. how ill keep it that way i dont know. bit of luck and my sturdiness ? i cant and i wont!
in that case why do i keep going back? i think my need for companionship is more important.. actually its coz im pissed of at G, so pissed i could almost cry, i need to get back, and be BAD
even if this isnt the best thing to do, i want to do this. does it make me a bad person? or just human.
i thrive on attention, and right now i want it
im out of love with G. but it still pissess me off.
its watching a train wreck sabsy says.. but i KNOW i can jump off the train before it crashes, and buddy i need all the transport i can get .. so whats wrong with the free ride?
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: choc soy milk
2. Last phone call: steph Lokster.
3. Last text message: mummsie
4. Last song you listened to: Fantasy- earth wind and fire
5. Last time you cried: on the episode of true blood where Godric died.
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: hah.
7. Been cheated on: heres to hoping.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: deny deny deny
9. Lost someone special: yup, but everyones special
10. Been depressed: chocolate dude.
11. Been drunk and threw up: i try not to...
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. emerald green
13. deep and dark purple
14. hot red
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: yes i have :)
16. Fallen out of love: finally!
17. Laughed until you cried: all the time
18. Met someone who changed you: i think everyone moment defines you.
19. Found out who your true friends were: oh yesh
20. Found out someone was talking about you: mm.. kind of. shh
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: hell yeah we are an incestous bunch
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: depends doesnt it?
23. How many kids do you want to have: a farm of critts
24. Do you have any pets: an imaginary rabbit- wabbit
25. Do you want to change your name: possibly, ive always like starshine
26. What did you do for your last birthday: taco bill and lazertagg, dinner with the fam
27. What time did you wake up today: 1030
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: dancing the night away
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: maturity and the effects of weightloss. hah
30. Last time you saw your Mother: few weeks ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: hah height
32. What are you listening to right now: blue bar
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: my lack of motivation to study
35. Most visited webpage: FB and postsecrets
36. Whats your real name: Katrina
37. Nicknames: kat katweena kittykat and Na
38. Relationship Status: Single :)
39. Zodiac sign: saggitaurus
40. Male or female?: Female
41. Elementary?: St James and MGS
42. Middle School?: MGS
43. High school/college?: GGS
44. Hair colour: black baby
45. Long or short:Long
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: hawt stuff baby
48. What do you like about yourself?: my intake of life
49. Piercings: 3
50. Tattoos: i want one
51. Righty or lefty: Right
FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: knee in jan
53. First piercing: ears when i was kid
54. First best friend: stephii lok
55. First sport you joined: swimming
56. First vacation: who knows
58. First pair of trainers: i dont know i bet i had cute ones though
RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: nothing ,, ima hungry
60. Drinking: watter
61. I'm about to: start research
62. Listening to: knock you down
63. Waiting on: finishing this thing. 100 shhytt.
YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: yes.
65. Get Married?: yes, with 5 Cs
66. Career?: successful
WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: both?
69. Shorter or taller: talller
70. Older or Younger: m.. older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: er arms
73. Sensitive or loud: sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: hah, whatever rocks the boat
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: troubble
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: mybe
77. Drank hard liquor: def
78. Lost glasses/contacts: allthe time;(.
79. Sex on first date: noo
80. Broken someone's heart: possibly
82. Been arrested: nope
83. Turned someone down: Yyup
84. Cried when someone died: no it wouldnt come out
85. Fallen for a friend?: yeah
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: mostly
87. Miracles: all the time
88. Love at first sight: not really
89. Heaven: yes
90. Santa Claus: yes. shhhh. its just that he doesnt get to EVERYONE
91. Kiss on the first date: yes
92. Angels: yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: it wasnt really counted.
95. Did you sing today?: im a hummer
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: unfortunately
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: end of high school?
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: my birthday?
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: yes.
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: obviously im doing it.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
as you should know i listen to songs over and over again.
like OVER and OVER again, till i probabaly MAKE the song fit my situation.. but in this case i think its fairly accurate.
plus the heartbeat beat is amazing.
all i can say is
i cant keep myself and still keep you too.
Kanye west- Love lockdown.
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home
So you never know, never never know
Never know enough, 'til it's over, love
'Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin', "No, no, no, n-no!?
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know
So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too
So I keep in mind when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya ?for it finally got through?
You lose, you lose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin? time, where's the finish line?
So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
Know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose
You lose, you lose, you lose, you lose
in this case you do lose.
but i didnt win either.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
you know what? i probably fart massively in my sleep.
as well as have corn and random bits stuck in my teeth after a meal..especially spinach, ew.
i dont count myself perfect, i am quite challenged in the vertical arena.. and a little round, possibly like a barrell.. though with diet going now, we can hope.
but i dont expect perfection. i read somewhere that if you dont like characteristice about a person that its because there are parts in them that are NOT you. the more you like a person is because you like what is you reflected in them. and to truly love a person you need to love what is NOT you and accept that they arent you. basically saying we are all narcissistic.
guess like the theory on how the 'one' tends to look like you, guess it just becomes another 'one' of you.
either way i struggle with loving parts of people, ALL parts, its easy to love the nice funny lighter parts of a person, its the darker more serious whenpushcomestoshove bits of people that is really fuzzy and hard to swallow.
i pray for a thicker throat.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I think i was obsessed with you. OBSESSED. like it bugged me i had to do it, must must must kinda thing. i was so compelled to i ahd to drop everything. i dont know why , why did you do this to me?
The problem with obsessions is that they dont last long, its like a fad, a phase a short term thing ,, and like a short lived fuse, it dies out as quickly as it started, Thought in my case probably a bit longer than that. I cannot say i regret the choices made, and i totally enjoyed it. but to get there i did make some sacrifices i wouldnt have given now.
Because of Y i am a better person today, ive learnt what to sacrifice and what i will end up regretting that i sacrificed, as Samantha said in SATC movie, ' i love you but i love me more'. Because of Y i have learnt to love myself and though i feel chubbs, i will get back to what i want ME to be.haha as Jo said to me , her 'bullying' of L has built L into a strong woman of the world today. In the same way,my experience will Y made me think. and made me balance and think my emotions out clearly. and sorry bub i love me more.
Yet i have a feeling that Y wants more now, and all i can say is i need me time. Or at least for me to feel that i am treated the way i want to be treated. and no im not fussy, or asking too much. I think thats what/who i am. whatever i ask for, i am willing to give back, whatever the 'too much' is. Ill do it, because its fair and i ask you do the same. If you dont ask , its youre loss, but its like insurance you paid for but you never claimed. Too bad.
ive learnt to keep the want and need separate. i dont need you. Now the want part im not sure yet, things are different when im around you etc, and and it depends on you and how you handle 'us' now. haha gotta prove you want me baby. coz what ive gone through, the internal battles and stuff, felt like they were in vain. i actually need you to prove i wont get hurt again. i guess its a breech of trust.
What i want now is free love, unconditional and beautiful. with absolutely no strings attached.
Friday, February 13, 2009
My grandma was born in the year of a rat. In many ways she turned out just like one, sneaky smart, and always on scurring about doing lots of work. She was the first child, and so this was passed on.
Her first child was my mother, born in the year of the bull. Stubborn and willfull, but fortunately born in the wee hours of the morning, so she was the bull of the early morning, saved from the late morning, afternoon of hard bull padi pulling work.
Her first child was me. Born apparrently the luckiest with the most auspicious birthdate and a dragon at that! I dont know what a dragon does at 7:32 in the morning, but i assume theyd be nestling amongst the clouds or deep underwater snoring with little sea-horses twirled around their tails.
After reading Amy Tan's kitchen god's wife, i feel so rooted in my chinese heritage. The funny thing is when one of the characters spoke, the mom, i could almost hear her, like someone i know saying those things to me. Like ive heard alot of the lines before said in a different words, similar voice. Its probably something my grammy would say. OR even something id wish/imagine her say for example:
If you always tell him sorry now, you will be sorry later
maybe all chinese thinking is kind of the same, i suppose i saw similarities in her 'negtive thinking' her 'comparingness - at least im not that beggar type' and many of the so-called differences the mother/daughter had, to what i know.not everything i agree with obviously, but alot of it made so much sense.
Im sure her books do that to other daisperas.,, im not sure if thats even the right term, meh.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
this morning one of the love of my life passed..
i still cant imagine it. That when i go home she will be gone. So much of my life was spent with her. I knew the day was coming but still.. its always a shock. Even though i am so far away, i always thought about her, and expected her to be waiting for me. Jumping to see me as she always does, putting her paws on me, even though shes too frail to jump. almost blind almost deaf, she still conjured up the strength for me and still followed me around the house.. I cant believe shes gone! Guess coz she has been around so long ive just gotten used to her being at home. I mean she was my baby! Mine. well not technically but by the end it felt that way. I loved her first. we even shared milo and grapes!!
Towards the end, she got weaker and weaker and had artheritis and a weird lump near her tummy. and my love, Trudy passed this morning after breakfast.
x
Friday, February 22, 2008
Other than the end of the drama.
I have started watching tv to spend my time till uni starts again. Not just tv, Movies! Thank goodness for HBO and Cinemax, Star movies etc etc.
Quick list:
Aladdin
Dont laugh! This was a great disney movie!(Disney channel of course). Totally forgot what a cool movie this was!! WAs humming all the osngs and aladdin and jasmine is so cute together! especially the scene on th emagic carpet! Total good fun.
Staying Alive
Awesome if you love John travolta amd all! Great dancing and loads of sweaty dancers, but like the music totally freakked me out, and the Actual broadway dance in it was totally freaky, i mean zombie like arms and bodies popping out of the mist and claw like arms raking from caged walls??!?!The red lighting and heavy breathing noises was not really my thing. But i loved the whole 80s thing, and th eend wheres he is just strutting his stuff!
Teen Wolf
Another Micheal J Fox movie as a kid, who is a werewolf. But its not at all horror, and actually pretty funny and almost rediculous. As he climbs the popularity ladder in high school as a werewolf. Which looks like a furry mascot. I usually like mmovioes on werewovles and stuff, bt this was kinda weird.like the wolf kissed the popular blondie. Gross, like th ehairy thing and all!!!
The Prestige
Really good movie, although at the end i felt sorry for the guys, as per usual i side with one character all the way to the end , regardless of what they did. PRetty cool idea about the machine that duplicated stuff, and the whole way he did the 'transporting man'.
The colour purple
Whoopi goldberg and oprah was in this movie, and both were really good. A movie on how this black girl and her struggle against her husband + all the racism etc etc. It was actually very sweet, as she found her courage and strength to show that guy whats coming to him.
The return of Jafar
Was pretty excited when i saw this since i saw aladdin not so slong ago!!
It was not as good obviously, the characters drawn weirdly.. Jasmine had such a weird looking face! and Abu was way too... monkeish, and Jafar was nuts. He looked like the devil as agenie, freakie as.. and the end where he got electrocuted? GRoss.
Phat Girlz
Possibly the funniest movie i have ever seen. I think its queen latifah. im not sure, Its about a fat girl , or should i say PHAT? and her selfacceptance etc. But it is soo funny, and she ends up with the tahitian from heroes, and he is hot! but actually made me laugh so much my maid came to see if something was up.
Merlins apprentice
ALright movie, although i didnt really get what was going on... So that kinda was a blur, was really complicated, but still i thought how the guy turned out to be the son was unexpected.. but then i dont usually get these things.
bascially thats all i remember, they may be more. But thats al for now, may decide to switch on the telly again. haha
I ahve gotten a few responses on my previous post.
Thanks for the concern, but im alright. I would rather just ignore the situation and get on with it.I know what i have to do, what will happen and how im going to react. One word. Karma.
